And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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