I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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