Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
