My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
