The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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