Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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