this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
