I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
