fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
don't judge my taste in strippers
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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