Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
