was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
