And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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