she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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