Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
