i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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