I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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