my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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