I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize