She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
