my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
