If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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