So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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