Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
