I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
