When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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