she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
