This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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