Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
