it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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