The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Someone signed my nipple.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
