The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
