My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
