I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
