Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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