so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
