I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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