The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
