Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
