capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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