She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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