god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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