I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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