I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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