the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
