If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
