I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish you could order shots online.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
