Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
