The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
sarcasm needs its own font
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
