I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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