I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
