I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
