Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
