I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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