In the future we'll all be gay
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
