Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just had sex on a roof
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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