dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I need to calm my uterus...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
