just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
