I wish I could punch you in the face.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize