As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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