If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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