I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
