My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize