this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
