My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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